Starting Over

Ok...so it's definitely sure that anxiety is NOT a one-time thing for me. I've been almost 5 years at this new job and it's starting all over again with the physical symptoms: panic attacks, general nervousness, obsessive thinking, etc.

Stress around Christmas started it off and I ended up in the hospital because I thought I was having a heart attack. Nope. Just panic attacks. About a month of desperation and depression ensued. It got a little better with time, but still there. I'm working with a book called the DARE response to anxiety and its practices are helping me a lot.

I just can't stop worrying!!! Right now, it's about Po again; my younger cat. My baby. First, it started because she was itching too much. I freaked out and thought it was a food allergy, environmental allergy...ANYTHING but what it was, which turned out to be fleas. I laughed when I finally flea-combed her and saw a flea. We treated them with Advantage II and the fleas went away. Treated the house twice with Adams house spray and haven't seen one since *knocks on wood*.

Cut to I'm STILL dealing with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Trying, but not quite there yet. I can't stop worrying about Po. Now she's got a little bit of feline acne on her chin and I'm worried a small pink spot is going to be some sort of eosinophilic granuloma or something. I don't want to take her to the vet too early because I don't want them seeing my anxiety like they did last time. I was so embarrassed to hear them saying the problem was me. I heard them through the thin walls and wanted to die.

I need to wait and see if it gets worse or goes away...but I'm impatient. I'm scared.

Even if it IS a "rodent ulcer," it's completely treatable. I'm just so scared!!!!!!

I know it sounds stupid, but I can't stop! I try and I can't! I will. I should.

I need to follow my DARE steps and Defuse the thoughts with my "so what" statement: "So what if she has this. It's treatable and I will be able to afford it. Even if it's a food allergy, I change her food. No big deal."

Accept the feelings that I still get from the anxiety: tightness in the chest, weepiness, nervous waves of energy, etc. They won't kill me and I've already gone through and SURVIVED way worse.

Run toward the feelings/anxiety.

Engage my mind/body with something else.


Po is eating fine. She is playful and happy. She's NOT happy when I keep messing with her to look at her chin. It doesn't seem to hurt her. I need to leave it alone.

Please pray for me.

New Year, New Start

Holy crud monkeys, it's been a long time.

That's all. Just an observation.

Up and Running

The anxiety is over and I've landed on my feet, running.

Remember that exhilaration I felt before? 50 times more, now. It's amazing. I can barely describe it, so I'll just leave it at this: I love my new job. I may have found a career and I wasn't really looking for it.

Freedom and Fear

I am adrift in a sea of devastation, anxiety, elation, freedom, and fear; I quit my job.

I know I did the right thing though. I feel it.
However, it's just like getting out of an abusive relationship. The comfort of having something familiar is gone and the change is devastating, despite all the good you KNOW it will - and already is - doing for you.

You know how they deal with gangrene? They cut off the infected portion to save the rest of the body's tissues from becoming infected. That's the only way to stop the poison from spreading. That's the way it was with my job.

I'm moving on and that's frightening and exhilarating at the same time. I just hope that I can land on my feet.

Wish me luck!

I Saw an Otter!

I saw a river otter today. It was the first time in years that I’d seen one in person outside of the zoo or the aquarium – and it was so close! I was in awe when I realized what it was that had caught my eye in the cattails surrounding the drainage pond by my work. I was on my 10-minute break. We get 2 of these every day and they’re at specific times; mine are at 10:30 and 3:30. If we miss them for any reason (be it a work-related phone call or anything else) we don’t get to make them up and lose them for the day. The building where we work has no windows because it’s a converted warehouse. And I’ve been dealing with a lot of both work- and non-work-related depression and anxiety lately, so I treasure those two 10-minute breaks and use them to go soak up some sun and hopefully brighten my mood. They’ve really helped to break up my day, and my time spent wandering out by the unused field across the parking lot next to the drainage pond has given me lots of creative fodder.

There’s a 4 foot alligator living in this pond and I love watching him glide around when he’s not sunning. I stand in the field and pray for release and assistance. I walk around, looking at the grass and imagining what it would look like if there were no buildings. I think about if I had access to a holodeck (like in Star Trek: The Next Generation), I would have a program where I could be part of a family living in a log cabin in Laura Ingalls Wilder’s “Big Woods” or in her “Little House on the Prairie,” tribulations and all. I watch the anhinga dry his wings out after diving for food. I defer to the great blue heron and the pair of sandhill cranes and watch them from the opposite bank of the pond. Today, I saw a river otter.

The otter stopped me in my tracks. I couldn’t help but smile as I watched him. He turned toward me and started digging around in the dirt. Afraid he might be marking his territory or asserting his dominance, I walked wide around where he was and lost sight of him over the edge of the sloped bank of the pond. When I was a good distance from him, I reapproached. I didn’t see him, so I looked about and spotted him hurrying down close to the edge of the cattails in the direction I’d just come from. He was moving fast and was close to the far end of the pond, so I jogged at a far distance, just to keep an eye on him. He rounded the bend and disappeared into the woods. I was ecstatic as my break ended.

I came back into the building all smiles and told my friend the receptionist about the otter. She was happy, but had something to tell me: the boss had driven up while I was following the otter and she’d seen me. She came in and asked the receptionist what I was doing. The receptionist responded that I was on my break and the boss sniffed in her superior way and retreated to her office. When I heard that, my spirits sank and I felt that familiar crawling anxiety stealing up my limbs and into my chest.

Anything out of the ordinary or, heck, even ordinary things here at this office can turn into an awful debacle, usually kicked off by an email from our HR Manager. As I was working throughout the rest of the day, I kept checking my email for that inevitable missive that follows some unwitting employee’s unknown (and usually untold) violation of policy. I was truly expecting and dreading something like this:

Attention All Associates: 

When on your ten minute breaks you are not to loiter around the drainage pond. There is a dangerous alligator living in the pond and this Company is NOT responsible for any alligator-related injuries. For your own safety, we ask that you refrain from loitering around the drainage pond from this point forward. Any employee caught violating this no-pond policy from now on will be subject to reprimand and/or termination. 

Thank you,HR

Although it failed to appear in my inbox today, I’m still waiting for an email like that to come when I least expect it and I’m not crazy for thinking it. Many lesser things have prompted new policies, which get put into motion with an email very, very similar to the fake one above.

I’m also not crazy or too far off the mark for fearing this new element of control to pop up in our work lives because it’s happened many times before. Anything they don’t like, we get an email or get called into a meeting and a new policy is enacted with much frowning and disdain from our boss and the HR Manager, who quadruple-handedly dictate absolutely every little thing we do.

No lie. For example, pictures of family members on desks and stuck on billboards have been called “unauthorized.” We haven’t been told directly to get rid of them (yet), but I wouldn’t put it past them when they install the new desks, which is happening in the next couple of weeks.

Someone once had an uncomfortable chair. The employee brought it up to HR and HR said she couldn’t be bothered. The Graphics office had one employee in a two-person office, so one chair was empty. The employee asked the Graphics person if she could have the other chair and he was fine with it. The very next day when we came in, there was an email saying that employees were not to switch chairs without authorization. The chairs needed to be switched back or the unnamed employee would be reprimanded. She switched her chair back.

…and I’m not making it up.

Pretties

~ Walking into the shower with your hair down and just standing in the mist made by the showerhead without actually getting fully wet yet. The water droplets suspended in your hair shine and glitter like tiny jewels that cascade when they overflow. 

~ My little white car with its white rear window stickers of Ariel and Marilyn Monroe and its pink Marilyn seat covers.

~ Zeeta when she's happy (which is most of the time).

~ My little Po kitty when she rolls over and covers her cute little face with her paws.

~ Seffie cat when she knows she did something wrong and hides, looking up at you from the darkness like a chubby ninja with no face, only eyes.

~ The family of cardinals that entertain me at work when I'm covering up front for the receptionist.

~ Pink outfits with silver jewelry and pearl jewelry.

~ The Disney princess balloons on my desk at work.

~ The glittery My Little Ponies on my dresser.

~ Round fairy gardens.

~ The cherry limeade at Taco Bell in the clear cup; I like the way the Sprite fizzies look bubbling out of the cherry-flavored syrup at the bottom.

~ Underwater bubble hearts.

~ Sunlight flowing down into the depths of a pool or a body of natural water.

Marilyn Monroe, the Mermaid

A few months later...it's Marilyn Monroe's birthday again!
My birthday is tomorrow and hopefully it will be alright. I just want to have a good day with my family. Here at work, everyone went all out and I walked into a pink extravaganza; there were princess balloons, pink hearts, birthday banners, Pinkie Pie cards, and even pink roses! I feel very loved.

I've got a new mermaid tail...it looks just like Ariel's and I hope to be able to swim in it soon at Alexander Springs. Maybe I'll even be able to take a video to post.

Speaking of mermaids and Marilyn, here are some artistic renderings (not mine though) of Marilyn Monroe as a mermaid, in honor of her birthday today and mine tomorrow: